“I love you a latte”

I bloody love a pun. For valentine’s day this year, my fiancé got me a card with some cute little coffee cups saying, “I love you a latte” and “words cannot expresso what you mean to me”. So cute. Lame. But cute. I got her one with some little avocados saying “You avo stolen my heart” HA! We deserve each other, right?

Those lame ass cards are a prime example of how I have met my match. Someone equally as cheesy as I; who appreciates a terrible pun but is loving in all the right ways. We were introduced through a mutual friend in 2016 and are engaged to be #wifes4life (ha) in July 2019. I can’t bloomin wait!

As I’ve mentioned before somewhere on this ‘ere website, I was seriously worried about coming out. This was for lots of reasons but one biggie was that I thought there was no way in hell I’d ever meet anyone and be happy. At some points, I thought I was more likely to meet a nice man who could be my best friend and I’d just fake the rest of it – the ‘love’ bit. It seems like such a daunting task, doesn’t it?

Someone told me once, just 1.7% of people identified as LGBT in 2015. This doesn’t put the odds in our favour does it? Of that 1.7% you have to find the ones that are of your desired gender, your desired age, THEN you have to actually fancy them. THEN they have to be available and in to you as well! BLOWS the mind. It seems scary and can lead to all sorts of poor decision making.

My first relationship came when I was 16. I met someone online. She lived a long way away (4 hours) but for some reason, we met and thought we’d give it a go. It didn’t seem likely to work but it also felt like a sort of ‘easing in’ to the lesbian lifestyle for me. After all, I was new and nervous. This easy going, take or leave relationship became a seven-year emotional rollercoaster! As all lesbos do, we grew closer very quickly and she made the move to my local area after a pretty short period of time. We were up against it in every way – young, poor, living with parents, highly dependent on me and my social life (as she didn’t know anyone else). Apart from a 2-month split, we managed to drag it out for seven years. I don’t mean that disrespectfully but had we been any older or more experienced in life, we may have realised our fate a little sooner. I remember us even having discussions like “well maybe it’s meant to be like this after 5/6/7 years. All couples must lose their spark eventually”……

That inevitably got a lot worse before it got better. We developed huge trust issues and eventually, the end of 2013 saw the end of our relationship. Cue those original 15-year-old me fears of ‘I will be alone forever’ which came rushing back with vengeance! I found myself filling every spare second of time with friends and activities just so I could avoid the bleak and honest truth that was my new and single life. If I gave myself a second to contemplate it, I spiralled in to a very ugly space of self-pity and such a lack of self-confidence. Of course, this in turn leads to more poor decision making. I ended up seeing someone who was the polar opposite of what I thought I wanted in a person. Not to say she wasn’t a brilliant human and she will inevitably make someone incredibly happy but we just weren’t compatible. A quick trip around the world with her gave me all the clarity I needed. I remember, while driving through the wilderness of the Pacific Coast of Australia, I was struck by a moment of absolutely lucidity! I knew what I had to do. To ever be truly happy, I had to face this fear of being alone head on. It was a scary prospect but I knew I just had to do it.

I came home and swiftly ended the relationship I was in. I bought a new flat for me to live in, totally alone. I also booked in to see a counsellor. This man ‘Rob’ is an absolute hero to me. We love Rob! He helped me tap in to my feelings of worry and anxiety. One day I was declaring to him how comfortable I am in my sexuality and I caught myself saying the sentence “You know, if I could take a pill to change it I would”…. what!?! This wasn’t me! I shocked myself and I shocked him. It took a lot of self-reflection and a lot of thinking time but he helped me to grow in confidence, to love time alone and to be ultimately and outwardly proud of who I am.

Funnily enough, very soon after I finished my time with Rob, life kinda fell in to place. A friend at work who had known about the journey I had been on decided it was time to introduce me to a good friend of hers. She said I was finally in the mental space and this other lass was equally in a good space, following a bit of turmoil in her own life. The stars aligned! This was another long distance set up as she lived about 1.5 hours away. But a recommendation from a trusted friend and a picture of this pretty lady was more than enough to entice me. An awkward introduction through Facebook and a few weeks of chatting led to our first date. The excitement I had about meeting this girl was intense. I had such a good feeling. We had already established that we make each other laugh and have lots of the same values. I felt like she was way out of my league but she seemed interested so I had to try. She was my dream woman – sporty, intelligent, funny but above all else she is extremely kind and trustworthy. We met for a drink at 4.30pm and we talked the night away. More drinks, a walk and dinner later, I knew I’d met her. I know it sounds as lame as those valentine’s day cards but I 100% honestly knew I’d done it. I even messaged my friends that night declaring “I’ve just had dinner with my future wife” – and here I am. Sat here on the carpet of the living room in the house that we bought together last year. Planning our wedding for next year.

Ooo, sorry about that – I totally went off on a hugely self-indulgent rant there. What I’m trying to get across is the importance of self-care, self-confidence and belief. Put those stats aside for a second, I am now 29 years old and I have many a gay friend – all of whom are in happy relationships. Some met their partners young, some have been in long term relationships, only to find that they were destined for somebody else all along. Others hadn’t met their soulmates until they were in their 50s/60s. Every one of you has your own path. The thing that is in your control is YOUR happiness. So, stay confident, stay positive and enjoy living! 🙂

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